New Year's Resolutions

Every January people make renewed commitments to resume or start exercising or dieting or both. To those who have made a resolution to lose weight in the new year, here are some helpful tips guaranteed to melt off those unwanted pounds:

1. Get caught smuggling drugs and spend time in a Turkish prison. Okay, so you'll probably be gone for several years, but think of it as a vacation. If you survive, it'll be a much thinner you that emerges into the sunlight.
2. Become a meth head. How many overweight tweakers have you seen? Okay, even if you've seen a few, consider that in relation to the overall percentage of the population who are overweight.
3. Quit your job, leave your house/apartment and live on the streets. It's only temporary, right? You can get back on your feet. After a few months of soup kitchen fare, you'll be invigorated and inspired by the new you.
4. Hike into the Alaskan wilderness by yourself. No, you absolutely cannot take anyone with you because the only source of food should be the land itself. And those Clif Bars you stashed in your backpack. As long as you steer clear of bears and don't eat the funny looking berries, you should come back (assuming you come back) much lighter than when you left.
5. Eat some of that lunch meat that's been hiding in the back of your fridge for the last several months. Just scrape some of that green stuff off and make yourself a nice fat sandwich. And lather it up with some of that mayonnaise that's starting to resemble cottage cheese. After the cramps, vomiting and diarrhea have abated, you'll find you've lost a significant amount of weight. Just remember to hydrate during your dieting session. No sense dying over the desire to lose a few pounds.
6. Take up smoking. This will probably happen anyway if you opt for number 1 or 2, But evidence shows it can help you lose weight. You could always try the patches too, but why not get the full experience?

Or you could just try eating leaner foods and exercising now and then. Who am I kidding? Book that flight to Turkey and make sure you've got some good stuff in the suitcase.